Sex can be a complex tapestry of emotions, but it’s the moments immediately after that often leave us bewildered. Whether you’re navigating a new relationship or have been with your partner for years, the aftermath can sometimes be the most awkward part. But guess what? You’re not alone! The trending hashtag #ThingsISayAfterSex on Twitter reveals a world of amusing, cringe-worthy, and downright bizarre post-coital conversations that people have.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself floundering for words after an intimate moment, take heart. Here’s a roundup of the 15 funniest and most relatable tweets that will have you laughing — or cringing — in sympathy.
1. They Walk a Lonely Road
“Hey, the great thing about vibrators is that you don’t have to do any pillow talk, right?”
It’s a solo act’s advantage. With no need for awkward post-sex chatter, sometimes, going solo is blissfully uncomplicated.
2. Yikes!
“It’s not the best thing you could say after sex. Although sometimes just staying silent can be all the more excruciating.”
Silence can be golden, but in the afterglow of sex, it can also be deafeningly awkward. Sometimes, anything is better than nothing.
3. This Universal Truth
“The wet patch has been a source of uncomfortableness and sabotage since the time that sheets were invented. That is a science fact, and I will not hear otherwise.”
Every couple knows the dreaded “wet spot” dilemma. It’s an inevitable post-sex obstacle that science, regrettably, has yet to solve.
4. Hopefully Not a Universal Truth
“I feel like this is funny because it’s true but also not funny because it’s true. I have a lot of feelings about this one. Also: Married life is not always like this.”
When reality hits too close to home, humor can sometimes soften the blow. Let’s just hope this isn’t the norm for everyone.
5. Always One Step Ahead
“I actually spoke to an ex-hookup buddy about using him as a reference when I was going through a particularly dry spell, so maybe this is no laughing matter.”
When the dating pool feels more like a dry well, sometimes you need a solid reference. Hey, why not?
6. Been There
“Hey, sometimes it’s just too clean to mess with.”
When everything is in its place, why disturb the peace? Sometimes, it’s better to leave things as they are.
7. No Sarcasm Intended
“This is my favorite, but only if they actually show the other person the Stanley GIF on their phone. Sometimes, the occasion calls for it.”
Because nothing says, “I had a good time” like sharing a perfectly timed GIF. Stanley from “The Office” knows how to express those complex post-sex emotions.
8. This Commitment
“That is a lot of shades. I hope that they have Gatorade and a long-term plan for making this work.”
Commitment to an extensive color palette post-coitus suggests a well-prepared partner. Hydration and strategic planning are key.
9. Narcissism at Its Finest
“I suppose it’s better than calling out some completely random name… and it’s definitely better than calling out an ex’s name. So actually, it may not be that bad when you consider the alternatives.”
There’s a fine line between self-love and social faux pas. Calling out your own name post-sex might just tread that line — but at least it avoids a more embarrassing slip.
10. I Thought It Was Just Me?
“This paints a pretty dark picture of humanity. A dark and accurate picture of humanity. I hope they’re getting waffles, at the very least.”
The clarity and hunger that follow intimacy often lead to deep, existential musings. And maybe a craving for waffles.
11. YAS
“Too many times have I wondered why on earth I shaved any part of my body for a lackluster event. I have definitely, definitely been there.”
The post-sex regret of shaving for a mediocre experience is all too real. Was it worth the effort?
12. Ummm…
“This seems like a very specific, but very emotional response. I’m not sure that I want to know any more about this.”
Some post-sex comments are so specific that they leave you wondering about the backstory — or wishing you didn’t know.
13. Call Me a Cab
“That is a modern hero living their best life. I’m glad to hear about other people loving the after-sex high five. The Uber is just an added bonus.”
The high-five is an underappreciated gesture of post-coital camaraderie. Pair it with an Uber ride home, and you’ve got a modern-day hero’s tale.
14. A Cat Owner’s Nightmare
“If you have a cat, the cat will always be there. The cat will never be not there. The cat sees all, knows all, and judges all.”
Cats: the perpetual, judgmental witnesses to all of life’s intimate moments. They see everything, and you can bet they’re silently critiquing.
15. SNACKS
“This person has to live their truth. And it turns out, their truth and my truth are very similar truths. Snacks are the truth.”
When all else fails, snacks are the ultimate post-sex savior. Sometimes, a granola bar or some chips are all you need to cap off the experience.
Embrace the Awkwardness
Feeling a bit off-kilter after sex is perfectly normal. These tweets show that we all experience our fair share of weird and wonderful post-coital moments. So, laugh it off, enjoy the ride, and remember: awkwardness is part of the fun.
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